That positive moment...

I started with a completely different approach to this post, but have decided to take this in another direction.  I've had a wonderfully, content weekend, and I was going to share some things about the realisations of the weekend, and the positive potential they have to take my life in a way that I've always dreamed.  But then I changed my mind.  I decided to move on, I need to let go of the past.  I came to a point this afternoon, where I let go of those that had hurt me, and I forgave them, all of them.  Then, as I started the original idea of the post, I realised that the only person I hadn't forgiven was myself, so that's what this post is about...  A letter to a younger me, a letter to myself, reminding myself that I did the best I could with the skills I had, and that I am a lot stronger than I gave myself credit for back then.

Dear The Early Adult Me...

Please stop destroying yourself.  You will see one day, that life has amazing, beautiful things in store for you.  I know it doesn't feel like it now.  I know that every single day, you feel like life is never going to be any different.  I know that every single day, the pain you feel inside for absolutely no reason, consumes you, and takes over your thoughts.  I know that, right now, you can not see any possible way out.  I know right now, you think your friends, and your family would be better off without you destroying their lives.  One day though, you'll realise that you're an amazing friend, and an amazing sister, daughter, aunty, and anyone would be lucky to have you in their lives.  One day, YOU will realise that YOU are a worthwhile person.

Every time you pick up a razor to release that pain inside, and distract you from the intensity of those thoughts, I want you to know that one day, your thoughts won't be consumed like they are now.  One day, you'll be able to deal with your problems in a way that isn't physical harming to yourself.  And each time you punish yourself for cutting, with another cut, I want you to know that in a decade's time, even though you'll still feel a sense of disappointment when you see the hundreds of marks on your body, you'll also feel a sense of pride.  Because although your body will be scarred for life, each scar will remind you that despite the hundreds of times you felt no other way to cope, despite the times you didn't care what the outside of your body looked like, because the inside was even uglier, despite your feelings of worthlessness, each scar will remind you that you have overcome things that most people couldn't even begin to understand.

I want to tell you that, although suicide will always be an option, you're stronger than this.  And you can, and will beat this.  It may not seem like it now, and taking those boxes of pills may seem like a great idea to escape, to ease the burden you are to others, but one day you'll realise that you are a worthwhile person, and people actually feel lucky to have you in their lives.  I want you to know that when you wake up in hospital, for the second, and third, and fourth time, and feel that pang of disappointment in yourself, and see the pain in your family's eyes, wishing you'd succeeded so that they wouldn't feel this, every, single, time, one day you'll see that the pain in their eyes was not a pain caused by you being a burden, it was one of not being able to help you.  One of not being able to show you just how amazing you are, and how lucky they feel to have you in their lives.

I know the first visit to the psych ward made you feel so stupid.  I know the walk up those stairs was one of the biggest steps you had forced yourself to take at that point in your life.  I know you wanted to turn around and run.  I know you wanted to go and take the pills you'd planned on taking to get you admitted it in the first place.  I know you worried about what people would think and the shame this would put on your family.  I just want you to know that I am proud of you.  I am so proud of you for taking those steps.  Without taking those steps, not just that time, but so many times after, that I've lost count, you saved your life, you saved my life.  I know many hospital admissions you felt were unnecessary as no one was able to save you, and when you got out, you'd just do something stupid again to escape the pain, but I'm still proud of you for agreeing to go most times, and not fighting it, when you were forced to stay against your will.  And whilst your hopelessness at the time, blinded you from asking and accepting the help you needed, hospital was at least a safe place for an interim period.  Hospital will keep you safe, until such time as you can keep yourself safe on your own.

I want you to know that the moment you get that glimmer of hope that encourages you to reach out for help, beyond a safety measure, that glimmer of hope that encourages you to try and change your treatment, from the crisis management perspective to assistance with overcoming and dealing with underlying issues, it won't be easy, but it will be worth it.  I want you to know that for every two steps forward, there will be another step backwards.  I want you to know that as time goes on those two steps forward, will become three and four steps forward, and the one step back will only come occasionally.  And whilst it seems incredibly hard to keep the hope alive when you see yourself get so far, and then feel like you go back to where you were, I want you to know that one day you will succeed.

I want you to remember that even as the years pass you by, there will still be moments where you believe you can't cope anymore.  There will be moments where you just want to give up.  There will be times where you truly believe that things are as bad as they were in the beginning of your journey, where you will feel frustrated and like you're failing again.  There will be set backs and quite a lot of them.  But as you mature, as you accept the help you're given, you won't be that same scared sixteen year old, you won't be the eighteen year old taking those first steps up the stairs, or waking up in emergency for the very first time.  However, all of those things have equipped you to deal with the set backs you feel at this time.

I want you to know that one day, there will come a day when you don't even need to see a psychologist any more.  One day, the problem won't be with your difficulty handling your emotion, and you'll be able to cope with any issues in a healthy way.  One day, you won't even fit the criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder any longer.  One day, you'll get that Bipolar diagnosis that you've known existed for years.  And you'll realise right then, there is hope.  If you can overcome a personality disorder, and change the way your thoughts work after a decade of thinking this way, a simple chemical imbalance is unlikely to beat you.  If you can go from thinking of self harm and suicide at least once a day for as long as you can remember, to letting it be a fleeting thought from time to time, with no intention to act on it, correcting that brain chemistry in your head should be an easy task.

Mostly though, I want you to know you are worth it.  I want you to know that you're amazing.  That you have overcome so much.  That you're stronger than you give yourself credit for.  That people are lucky to have you as their friend, and as a member of their family.  I want you to know that whilst there was a time when I would look at my arms, legs and stomach and hate you for what you did to my body, I forgive you.  I realise now that the constant labeling you gave yourself of being weak and pathetic was anything but.  I want you to know that I wish I could have shown you how things would be for you today.  I wish I could show you how happy you could be, how functional your life could be.  I am proud of who you will become, and one day, you will be too, even if it doesn't ever seem like it right now.  I want to apologise for all you went through.  You didn't deserve it.  But I also want to THANK YOU, for if you didn't go through what you went through, if you didn't fight for our life so many times, I wouldn't be the person I am today, or worse still wouldn't exist at all.  Thank you for shaping me into the amazing 29 year old I am.  Thank you for trying, even though you felt like giving up so much of the time.  Thank you for being you, and contributing to making me, me.  I love you, and you are a very, very worthwhile person.

World Suicide Prevention Day

So today is World Suicide Prevention Day, and I'm not entirely sure what I can say that I haven't already said in my initial post.  I think I'll just start writing whatever pops into my head, and see if it makes any sense.

Today I came across an article advising that there was a woman stuck under a train at one of the train stations here.  She was freed from the train and transported to hospital with lower leg injuries.  As depressing as this was to read, there was something unfamiliar I noticed in the article.  They had stated that "police believe that this was an act of self harm."  Is this a sign of the changing times?  Clearly this woman is still alive after surviving the incident, so has that made it okay to note that she had attempted to take her own life?  Usually each time a suicide is attempted or completed on a train line, or on the bridge in the city that has seen the end of quite a few lives, the media reports that there is a "police incident" causing traffic delays.  There is no follow up story, like if someone had died in a horrible car crash.  There are no details released.  Just that the traffic will be delayed due to a police incident.  There's nothing released to say that a family is now without their son, father, brother.  Simply that those in peak hour will have their train delayed or will have to drive across an alternative bridge to get to work.  Most people know exactly what the "police incident" relates to, as everything else is stated for what it is, yet it's as though, saying it aloud, putting it in writing, makes it real, and means society would have to acknowledge it and deal with it.  It's the all too familiar, let's push this under the carpet, pretend it never happened, and never speak of it again.

The act of suicide on a train line is unfortunately a little sensitive for me.  Not only did I, in my darkest days, consider jumping in front of a train, as it would be over quickly and I wouldn't feel anything, but my cousin took his own life under similar circumstances.  When I found out about his suicide, I was in disbelief, I searched the internet for  incidents on the train line where he lived.  I needed to read something, anything that proved that he was gone.  That he'd been so depressed that he'd taken his own life.  I didn't even know he was in such a bad place.  I am pretty sure no one in the family expected it.  No one knew what was running through his mind in those final moments.  Which leaves you with those feelings of guilt.  The guilt that you should have noticed, you should have spent more time with him, you should have been able to help him see that this wasn't the only solution to his pain.  After internet searching, there was a tiny paragraph noted that there was a police incident on the train line.  That's it.  Nothing about his life being lost.  Nothing about his family dumbfounded.  Just a tiny paragraph noting a commuter delay.  And then, just like that, the trains are restored, and after the commuters complain about the delay, life goes back to normal for them.  But for the family and friends of the "cause of the train delays" life will never be the same again.

I'm deeply sorry that this woman has seen this as the only way of escaping her pain, and even worse that her already depressed mind, is now going to be worsened by the horrific injuries to her lower legs.  What if she loses them at the knees?  What if she needs a wheelchair for the rest of her life?  What was a way out for her, has made things so much more complicated.  While life was hard before, it's going to be even harder now.  Aside from this, I keep drifting my thoughts to the mention of what actually happened on the train line.  I keep drifting back to the fact that this was more than a police incident causing delays for commuters.  This made a taboo subject public.  This put suicide out in the open, for all the world to see.  After reading some comments from people on social media articles relating to this incident it is all too clear why we need to educate people on suicide.  So many people noting it as selfish.  So many saying things much worse.  I'm going to refer to my earlier post and reiterate the fact that people are scared of what they don't understand.  Unless we increase awareness so that people can understand, nothing is going to change.  The next suicide will only be a police incident.  How much more does it take for someone to do something about it?  How many more families and friends have to lose their loved ones before suicide is brought out of the darkness so we are able to prevent it?

So, as I mentioned at the beginning of this post, today is World Suicide Prevention Day, which is a great day to increase awareness, especially with the recent media focusing on the suicide of Robin Williams.  By increasing awareness, we can achieve the goal of this day, by preventing suicide.  I've said it before, and I'll say it again (heck, I'll continue to say it) unless we raise awareness and make it okay for people to reach out for help, nothing will change.  Family and friends won't reach out for the help they need, as they'll be under the false belief that their loved ones will be better off without them, and that suicide is the only solution to their problems.  I like to think that if it was socially acceptable to reach out for help, the number of suicides could be drastically reduced or in an ideal world eliminated completely.  What is so bad, so wrong with talking about suicide?  Why is the world so apprehensive?  Aren't people's lives more important than any stupid beliefs people have about it being selfish and cowardly?  Isn't talking about it, making it real, and therefore making it okay for people to ask for help, worth taking a chance on?  Shouldn't we be focusing on pro-active approaches to save lives, rather than reactive approaches to helping those left behind recover some sense of happiness and normality in their lives?  By helping the suicidal patient, essentially, you're reducing the need to help another bunch of people who will be affected greatly after their mother, daughter, sister, aunty takes their own life.  The innocent victims left behind after a suicide will never have the lives they did prior to the suicide.  There will always be the memory of what happened overbearing all the positive times shared.  Is it too expensive to raise awareness and then help those that do reach out for help?  When really, the expense of helping those left behind is far higher.  Even if the deceased person only has a small family, a Mum, a Dad, a son, a daughter, and a brother or sister, there are already five people who's lives are going to be ruined, and will need extensive therapy just to come to terms with what has happened.  The therapy won't cure them from the guilt, the pain they feel, it will merely teach them how to manage those emotions in some form of a healthy way.  I'm no mathematical genius, but isn't one person cheaper to help than the five left behind?  Essentially by helping the first person, we're sparing the pain and the need to help the remaining five.  I just don't understand why no one is doing anything.  It's not rocket science people.

I know I'm just one person in this huge world.  I know that my words are not going to change the world's perception alone.  We need to unite, wherever you come from, whatever religion, race or social status you belong to, we can all work together to save each other from pain.  In saying that, I do not plan on giving up speaking about these issues any time soon, and even if my post resonates with one person, even if I make a difference to the understanding of that person, it is worth it.  Because at the end of the day, life is precious, life is worth it, and much too short to be missing those who could have and SHOULD have been saved, if only society had allowed them to seek out the help they needed.

Work Life... Because everyone loves to work in a job that depresses them!

Do you ever have those moments at work where you just want to pick up everything on your desk, throw it in the air and say, stuff this, I'm out?  Then you quickly remember that you have rent and bills to pay and no sugar daddy or rich parents to pay for things, so despite the madness that work graciously provides you with, you still get up everyday and you still go to that place.  What's that, you don't?  Must just be me then...

I'm not entirely sure when you reach that point where you go from loving your job, to liking your job, to despising your job, to wanting to stab almost every colleague you have in the eye with a fork.  All I know is that it happens gradually and then all at once.  Well it has for me.  Right now, I think I'm fluctuating between the despising the job and the illegal use of cutlery on colleagues who quite frankly, deserve it anyway.  **Please note - I have not and would not (probably) stab one of my colleagues in the eye with a fork, despite how crazy they drive me.

What makes your shitty job even worse is when you return from holidays.  When you spend three glorious weeks in Europe, pretty much a whole world away from the chaos that your usual Monday to Friday involves.  Waking up on that first day back is hard ridiculously painful to the point you consider cutting your own leg off to have an excuse not to go.  "Sorry boss, won't be in today, my leg was chopped off this morning.  Actually probably won't be in for the rest of the week."  Clearly this is not an excuse you can use to "fake" a sick day.  I'm pretty much certain that when you return to work (as sick leave only lasts so long), and your leg is attached again, questions will be raised, and I'm going to assume that the reasoning of the surgeon being a miracle worker who re-attaches limbs so that you cannot even recognise they were ever detached, will not suffice.

So you get up on that painful Monday morning after 24 amazing days of leisure and excitement.  You commence that routine that is all too familiar to you.  Alarm goes off, you snooze for half an hour, then realise you'll be late if you don't move now.  You drag yourself to the shower, where your best thinking time is done, which means you think even more about the painful day you're about to encounter.  You rush around to get ready, and walk out the door, rushing to your car, and look back at your house as you drive out the driveway, thinking, I'm sorry house, I didn't want to leave you either.

When you get to work it's exactly as it was when you left.  Nothing has changed in those 3 weeks.  Whilst you were away having the time of your life, your colleagues continued to function (just) in the way that they had done for the previous three months.  The happiness of seeing those colleagues you've actually missed is enough to get you through the first hour.  Then the realisation sets in that you're back in this place.  And for five days a week, you're going to have to follow the same dull routine, and put yourself through the torture of attending a place that makes you feel, not only like stabbing your colleagues in the eyes with a fork, but also yourself in the eye with a fork.

What do you do when your work life reaches this point?  Do you keep yourself in this place that will probably eventually have you institutionalised in a straight jacket in a padded cell (this actually sounds like a great way to spend time away from work)?  Do you swear at your alarm every morning, and swear at your computer and phone at work each time that email or phone call comes in?  Do you pick your paperwork off your desk, throw it on the floor and walk out, without even thinking about the possible ramifications?  Or do you just ponder on and internalise the frustration of being in a job that doesn't give you what you need - satisfaction?

I guess the next step is job hunting.  EWWWWW!  Just the sound of that makes me cringe.  Putting yourself up against a trillion (may be a slight exaggeration) other people who are fighting for the same job?  Going to job interviews and telling them how amazing you are, without sounding like you actually believe it and are conceited?  And get even more depressed each time you get a letter of rejection and realise that you're stuck in this place even longer?

I guess life is all about taking risks and making things work.  If you're not happy in your job, get out.  There's no point in fighting yourself everyday to go to a job you hate (that shit is exhausting).  As bad as job hunting sounds, you've pretty much got two choices.  Stay in a job you hate, or take responsibility for your own happiness and seek out that job you deserve.  That job that can make a difference to your health and well-being.  The job that can save yourself from the fork stabbing in the eye (oh good, you'll still be able to see - definitely a plus in a job interview for a job you need to be able to see in), the job that can save you from being thrown in the padded cell (as fun as that sounds) and the job that will protect everyone around you from Crazy Kat Cyclone which obviously wipes out everything in its path.

So I'm at the crossroads.  Starting again.  Begging someone to love me enough to give me a job.  Putting up with a job I don't want to be at to continue to pay the bills while I seek out one that I'll be passionate about, and wake up before the alarm clock goes off each day.  At least it will mean I get to keep my limbs.  Especially after so much walking in Europe has given me some pretty epic calf muscles, I want to hang onto those a little longer.

So if you have an awesome, amazing job vacancy, I'm your girl!  And if you're out there in the same situation, remember that the most important thing in any of this is your happiness.  You deserve this.  If you've tried and the job situation is unlikely to improve, get out there and seek out what you really want, unless it's one of the jobs I'm applying for, then you back off mate, I have enough competition without you competing against me too!